3yrs; Day 1236 – from Corey; a note to me
Hi Everyone,
This page is amazing. Thank goodness we have each other. So many people reached out to say, ‘I know you wrote that entry for yourself but it was just what I needed to read’.
One of the messages I received today was from Corey. It was just what “I” needed to read today! She gave me permission to share it with you.
mom its corey and this is a letter to you from me i would just like to say how happy i am to have you in my life and mom i am happy that 1 you’re in my life and your always there to push me even when i dont want to do things and 2 you’re always like back up support
mom compliments go to you because without you i would be stuck in a nursing home with old people which quite frankly i dread becoming one. i plan on staying young’ish forever and i’m basically Peter Pan, i never wanna get old mom.
btw i am so thankful that even though you hate it you climb into the pool with me and you always go work out with me but i dont think you hate that part just the pool part. mom even when you don’t feel good you put on a brave face especially when its not easy and you help me with anything i do.
thanks mom and dont worry someday i will cook for you all the time and you wont even have to clean the kitchen i love you to the moon and back xoxo
3yrs; Day 1235 – Caregiver’s perspective
Hi Everyone,
Tonight’s post is for those in charge of managing the chaos.
If you’re a caregiver, teacher, administrator, clinician, business person…or just human…the pressure of constant deadlines, emails, bills, increasing responsibilities, short tempers and frantic responses as well as things that take twice as long as you thought they would, are all commonplace when life feels like it’s spinning to fast.
A friend of mine once told me I’m the Queen of Understatements. Well, I am clearly stating that life has been overwhelming recently. I know, many of you are wondering why now? Have I not been paying attention to the last 3 years?
My explanation can not be easily defined except to state that each phase of Corey’s recovery brings new challenges along with the life that I have that is separate from hers…believe it or not that does exist! There are moments I wonder can we possibly cope another day or stay awake another night. Can I fight one more battle? How do I balance what needs to be done with what we want to accomplish?
How many of you have the stewards speech memorized? Place the life mask on yourself first then save the person next to you. When you’re on land, the mask doesn’t drop from the sky reminding you to care for yourself in the midst of chaos.
Life is overwhelming regardless of our individual circumstances. How then can we cope?
The answer is to step back for a moment if you can’t step back from it all on a regular basis. Is some of what we deal with urgent, Yes. Is some of what we deal with critical, Yes. But overall, for the “small things” that tend to camouflage themselves as grand things, are they that important?
I’m trying to teach Corey to appropriately express her emotions. There are days I need to listen to the lesson too. Especially when I’m overwhelmed. That’s when I need to be in control of caring for myself first. If not, I won’t recognize when the mask drops from the sky and hits me in the head.
Worrying and stressing is a waste of time. Today I made the effort to step back. Tonight I am reminded that the more peace I feel the more productive and creative I will be. Without peace as my personal focus I can not properly care for myself or care for Corey.
I must remember the phrase, “What’s the worst that could happen”? (of course we know there is NOTHING that could qualify as an answer). My answer “keep things in perspective”. Accept that there are very hard days, days we have a lot to do, and there will be problems to deal with that may not resolve themselves immediately.
We all can deal with anything as long as we know we only have to deal with it for 24 hours. Tomorrow we get to do what needs to be done within that 24 hour day. Take a deep breath and start again.
Marie,
…listen to what you tell Corey;
“this isn’t forever, it’s just for now”
3yrs; Day 1234 – from Corey; her “dream”
Hi Everyone,
Corey received a gift from her cousin Becky. A necklace with the word ‘dream’ etched on a silver plate with a single pearl attached (pearls were Corey’s signature jewelry).
Today as we were driving home from Bryn Mawr, she touched the necklace forgetting it adorned her neck. I reminded her of who gave it to her and what message was engraved on it.
She touched her charm as we rode in silence. I began to think of her inspirational word. Sometimes dreams aren’t tangible. They are a lifetime goal or vision, usually with a purpose that hasn’t yet been fulfilled. Sometimes dreams aren’t entirely realistic. On the other hand if they were, they would already be achieved.
I believe dreams can change reality. They help to redirect our focus and see things differently then they are now. Unfortunately, it’s difficult to be a dreamer day in and day out when reality forces us to look at the present instead of the future.
Corey was very quiet. I sensed she was processing something.
C – mom, dreams are different then goals aren’t they?
M – depends on your definition
C – its important to dream isn’t it
M – I definitely think so
C – I don’t think it matters what injury you have i think you have to dream if you want to get through recovery.
M – what’s your dream
C – to be all better and start a new life
A simple word with a simple charm speaks to her future. Corey, like the oyster cultivating the pearl, is dealing with her own irritant…recovery. With acceptance, patience and effort, she is slowly creating a new life; her own fresh start, her pearl.
Today I’m reminded that our daily irritants don’t have to keep us from dreaming of the beautiful miracle we are cultivating every day, xoxo
3yrs; Day 1228 – Baby Steps
Hi Everyone,
Corey and I worked out in the pool today. All her hard work paid off with another BIG 1st!
She worked her warm up exercises for about 40 minutes. She then practiced balancing and we concluded our hour in the pool with her trying to walk to me unassisted. Corey would release her grip from the bar take a step, hop, hop, hop on one foot then splash…stand up and do it again.
After our afternoon appointments we arrived home about 4pm. Denise our day nurse walked Corey from her bathroom into the kitchen. Just as they entered, I came in from emptying our cargo from the car. Corey stopped to greet me. Denise noticed her posture and her straight stance. She let go of Corey’s waist and arm (her arms remained raised prepared for Corey to topple). Corey stood strong, balancing unassisted.
D – (whispering) Let’s see how long you can stand by yourself Cor.
I moved behind Corey, Denise was in front. Denise and I clasped wrists creating a frame for Corey.
M – Corey, Denise and I will not break our hold. You can’t fall to either side without us catching you. Try to take one step all by yourself.
Corey shifted her weight to her right leg. Her left leg muscles shook spastically as she tried to lift it. She began to lean to her right as if she’d topple but she righted herself.
M – nice recovery! You can do it, take a step. We’re right here you can’t fall.
Corey shifted her weight to her right leg, lifted her left knee and moved her foot forward. STEP ONE.
M – Nice…take another
She shifted her weight to her right again as her left foot advanced for STEP TWO.
M – Keep going…
Corey tried step number 3 but began to falter towards the right. She extended her right arm to brace herself on our faux parallel bars. Her grasp was not a death grip, it was a light touch just to steady herself.
M – can you make it to your chair?
Off she went, using her hand to steady herself as she advanced another 4-5 steps to sit.
3 years and 4 months…my baby took her first steps! Tomorrow we try again…
From Corey;
it felt really good to exercise in the pool with mom and then we got home and i took a few steps.
thinking about it happening in the past i assume it felt something like liberating to take the steps by myself. i assume its kind of like when your new born takes her first few steps only i am not a new born i am 21 years old. so basically with this injury i am like a new born for my mom all over again except with a few changes, i’m bigger.
even though every day is scary giving up is not the answer that is not the way that i was raised.
every one says i keep them on the edge of their seat, i don’t know about that because i’m trying to get out of mine. i guess i am just excited to see what is in store for me too, xoxo
3yrs; Day 1227 – from Corey; another prayer heard
Hi Everyone,
Corey has been suffering with a constant headache and a slight cold. She tried to write tonight but asked me to tell you about her day. Today’s progress is not the usual update.
Each morning as I assist Corey dressing she asks, “when can I stop wearing my brace” or “when can I where normal shoes”? We rehearse the usual mantra’s but today she was very upset and couldn’t grasp what she is forced to cope with.
We have a prayer bag in Corey’s armoire. It contains Holy Water, Relics, prayer cards and Rosaries sent to us by many of you. We usually use its contents at night as part of our bedtime ritual. One of today’s chores was to mail back one of the relics on loan to us to help another family. I opened the box containing it and placed it in Corey’s left hand, she cupped her right hand over her left to enclose our gift.
M – I know how much the brace bothers you. You have the relic in your hand. Pray for whatever you want to help you feel stronger today.
I watched Corey as she turned her head slightly to the right. She was upset, her eyes rapidly blinking. Her gaze shifted. Her head moved gently towards the left, her eyes became fixed; she stopped blinking. She sat quietly, staring, her breath became still. I was mesmerized by her intense focus. Her face relaxed, she was serene. Corey was silent for more then 2 minutes. I stared at her unable to move, and then she broke her trance like state blinking at a natural pace. She turned to look at me.
I hesitated to ask but couldn’t help myself, I needed confirmation as to what I thought I saw.
M – What did you pray for?
C – that my left leg would get better
M – did you ask for anything else to help make you stronger today?
C – He said He would help me understand why I am a miracle
C – my brain hurts, pretty much all the time. I asked if He could help with that too.
M – Honey, were you praying with someone?
She gave a gentle smile but never answered…she didn’t have to. It’s not the first time I’ve been privileged to witness her prayers being heard.
This afternoon we were driving back from Bryn Mawr. Corey’s headache persisted throughout the day so we were driving in silence. She turned to me;
C – you know when people say they don’t remember the minute before they died? I do.
M – what do you mean?
C – I remember.
M – what do you remember?
C – there was a car and lots of people
I was very confused by this statement
M – what made you think of this?
C – that car. it scared me. I’m afraid to drive
Then it occurred to me. As we drove on Highway 1, a car appeared on our right merging to join the traffic. The entrance ramp curved, the car appeared to approach us head on but it followed the curve of the ramp to ride beside us. I moved to the left lane to allow the car easy access to the right lane.
M – Are you always afraid of driving or just this time when you saw the car?
C – I got scared when I saw that car
She had a flashback memory. I reached out and held her hand. We continued to ride in silence.
When we reached our exit Corey turned to me again.
C – Mom, I’m sorry you had to go through that
M – I’m sorry you’re still going through it.
Corey wanted to handwrite her entry tonight. Although she struggled with what she wanted to say I noticed another significant sign of progress. Her writing was controlled and she did not have one B/D reversal. Her sentences were slanted on the blank page but her letters/words were the same size and spaced appropriately.
She wrote;
my brain hurts almost all the time.
I get scared
I don’t know why its taking so long
Corey, today was not about your physical healing. Today represents your emotional, spiritual and cognitive healing. Everyday you heal and get stronger. Its not just about what your body can do physically but how you heal completely; mind, body and soul.
One day I hope you can understand YOU are the miracle. Against all odds, you are here today, alive, proving everything is possible and YOU are shaping the world around you. I think of how far you’ve come and how much further you will go. I pray you will one day come to understand the miracle that is your life. Because of you we are reminded to celebrate it everyday, xoxo
3yrs; 4 months – from Corey; Aqua therapy videos
Hi everyone its corey
It was a busy weekend so we have not talked to you recently.
Today we happened to head back to the pool. Paul, our swim instructor, has not seen me in I don’t know how long and has not seen my full workout in at least a couple of months. So mom and I showed him that we have not been just sitting by the side of the pool eating bon bon’s; we have been working out. It might have been his time off but that does not mean I’m taking time off too.
We filmed today’s workout. Paul is my spotter and is barely holding on. He also did not hold onto my legs for today’s warm up.
I could not decide what movie I like best so I asked mom and she said, “shall we post them all”? I thought the answer to that was yes, we shall. So if you have time during the next snow storm (because I am sure we will have one) take some time and watch my movies.
And I’m sorry in advance if my movies make you feel cold but don’t worry the pool is 92 degrees. But when I get out, I am right back to the bitter cold reality like you, xoxo
Don’t forget your popcorn for the movies!
Corey Beattie Baby Steps
Corey Beattie Bigger Steps
Corey Beattie Its ALL You
Corey Beattie Solo Warm Ups
3yrs; Day 1216 – from Corey; new personal best
Hi everyone it’s corey
Today is my brothers birthday. I didn’t get him a present but I did sing to him. He said the song gets better every year.
I went to Bryn Mawr today and I walked 1000’400 and 70 feet which is approximately 4 football fields lined up all in a row (if you could not picture it, just imagine that much) and just for the record I walked that far willingly.
After walking then i rode the bike for 20 mins I did that willingly too.
I think my all time best numbers is a better present then my song, don’tcha think?
Happy birthday johnpaul I love you xoxo
3yrs; Day 1215 – from Corey; cane video
Hi everyone its corey
we have a big surprise for you. we decided to take a video of me walking with my cane, just walking like any other day.
i feel really good when i get off the chair and start to walk around. every day i get stronger and soon i will be totally independent. won’t that be a great thing to live your life and not totally rely on anyone?
i hope you enjoy my video and did you happen to hear the teme song from rocky as you watched me walk because he ain’t got nothin’ on me! xoxo
Corey Beattie walking with a cane
3yrs; Day 1214 – from Corey
Hi everyone it’s corey
Who thinks about the good that comes from bad? i never thought I would but apparently I am.
it’s not so bad. sure my brain got shaken around a little but I am here to prove that that’s not a bad thing necessarily. It is possible to live with it and get better.
think about a baby learning to crawl. if the person watching the baby says that he can’t, he never will be able to. i know that in some ways I’m like that because sometimes I think I’ll never improve but then on the other hand I realize I am a grown women and I am capable of almost anything that is able to be done.
Like today for example. I went to the pool walked to and from the locker room, in and out of the pool using the steps and before I left, Paul got the shock of his life when he saw me walking to the door with my cane.
You can not avoid bad things happening or dread them. if you were a baby, when you get frustrated and angry, what would you tell yourself so that you always stay positive? xoxo
3yrs; Day 1213 – from Corey; her questions
Hi everyone,
I passed! We brought home Corey’s forearm cane. Although she is still dependent on an assistant, she is determined to walk by herself! She keeps it by her side so she “can get up whenever i want” (she’s still unaware that she is unable to move independently in that way but with her mindset, it won’t be long!)
Corey was extremely quiet as I prepared dinner. She turned to me and asked,
C – why do I have a brain injury and Caitlin and JohnPaul do not?
M – you were in a car accident, they weren’t.
She remained silent. She was noticeably upset. I handed her the IPad and asked her to write what she was thinking.
C – I don’t want to make you sad.
M – it makes me very happy when you write what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling.
(The following is Corey’s entry. I have mixed emotions tonight. I’m thrilled for the physical progress she’s making, saddened by the daily behavior issues from anxiety caused by her memory loss, yet encouraged and hopeful when I witness a new level of advanced reasoning such as tonight’s entry. Everyday is an emotional roller coaster. The highs are exhilarating, the lows are heart wrenching and between moments we sit in the valley waiting for the direction of the next turn. This continues to be one heck of a ride, xoxo)
From Corey,
I have been thinking about why on earth did I end up with a brain injury? so much do I wish that I could change things. what I really wish is that people would drive the speed limit so that this never happens to anyone else or any other family again
I know that something is the matter with my brain. It got twisted in my head but I don’t know why it takes so long to untwist things.
I am unhappy because this happened to come to me. am I supposed to change TBI and make everyone drive the speed limit. maybe I am who knows. I can be a spokes person and say do you want this to happen to someone you know? I really don’t know
Why do something’s happen and some do not. That is my question
Mostly my brain and I can’t really think of any thing else but I know there is more,; all I have to do is figure out what it is