Hi Everyone,
We had no nurse today and all therapies were scheduled for the afternoon. Corey and I had a nice quiet morning. I love the mornings as she is usually bright and very chatty. Corey usually initiates the conversations depending on what she’s thinking or if she has random memories she asks me about.
She was quiet at one point, staring off briefly when she lifted her hand using her “new” sign. Wondering if our visitor was back I asked what she was doing, was she listening to someone or something? She turned to me and quietly stated, “Jesus was gentle when he kissed my cheek”. I was filled with such comfort as I looked at her face. She had a beautiful content expression recalling that memory. I asked her ‘why do you think God is coming to see you’? She answered; “because I asked him to”. ‘When did you ask’? She told me “When I’m hurting”; she gestured to her heart and rubbed her left arm. I didn’t press her to qualify her statement.
There was a quiet pause in our conversation. ‘Corey, has God asked you to do anything’? Without hesitation she said, “Tell the people come see me, I am your God, Love Me and Love others, I am a great God, I love you”. Our conversation concluded as she smiled and drifted back to sleep. There has been no further discussion about her experience for the rest of the day.
Like most of you I have not been able to completely comprehend this. A story like this happens to other people or children in Europe hundreds of years ago. I have been replaying it in my mind all day. Hundreds of questions have surfaced. How can we ask them? Would we get the answers we were looking for? Do we want to hear what the answers truly mean?
Prior to Corey’s accident I was spiritual and thought I had a strong faith. I was not a member of any religious community. The accident leveled me spiritually. I remember being in the ICU and a priest wanted to pray with Corey. I allowed him to see her but not while I was there. When friends comforted me and spoke of prayer, internally I was enraged. I wanted no parts of it. I politely asked that they pray for her privately. Over the last 18 months I’ve been filled with doubt, anger, resentment, fear, mourning and uncertainty (the list could go on).
At the close of every day I knew that I could not face the next day without something to hold onto. So I forced myself to find one positive “thing” every day. Then I searched for a word, sentence or phrase that would reflect that “one positive” I was holding on to. My rationale was even though I thought I lost my faith, I would practice this ritual until I felt my faith come back. As the saying goes, “Time heals all wounds”. For me this refers to my emotions and spirituality.
Corey I want to thank you for sharing this with us. I know that God came to be with you but there was a message in your conversation that I needed to hear for myself. Once again you have reminded me to open my heart to the possibilities of something greater than myself. It’s so easy to get caught up in the details and negativity of our daily challenges that I lose the moment. My mind builds a brick wall to protect my emotions so I can continue to push myself beyond normal limits to get what we need accomplished. Unfortunately, the bricks mortar has begun to weaken. I was beginning to feel a heightened sense of abandonment and defeat. Watching and listening to you over the last 48 hours has strengthened me. You have helped me become aware of my own healing.
This is going on the gratitude list! Happy dreams, xoxo