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2yrs; Day 906 – from Corey

Hi Everyone,

This is Corey
Thank you for encouraging me
I really really like to hear your letters
I don’t know what I do to inspire anyone but I am glad that I do and make you all happy
Your letters help because I know people are thinking about me
It’s hard not to give up but I know that I can not give up because it will not help me
It will make things harder
Sometimes I need help remembering it
I want to grow up and go to college and be a chef
I will get there with hard work
Keep reminding me to keep going

Corey,
Within 18 hours of your accident, the ICU team worked tirelessly to stabilize you. Through out the day I would come in and out of the Triage room depending on the procedures they needed to perform. This may seem odd but there were several times throughout the day I couldn’t “feel you” present. I sensed you left your body as the team worked on your injuries. This intuitive feeling would come and go as I’m sure you did. Our nurse approached us informing us that you were stable but we didn’t know for how long. They suggested a surgery that would remove ½ your skull to let your brain expand. I later found out it was the only option to keep you alive at that moment.

We approved the procedure and waited for Dr. Yalamanchelli to arrive. I felt your presence as we waited. I whispered to you;

Honey, I know you’re here and can hear me. I also think you were coming and going today. I hope you were with Dedema. If you are deciding whether or not to stay with us; if this is going to be too hard for you; please don’t worry, we will be fine. If you decide you want to stay and get better, we will do everything in our power to help you. We will never leave you.

This was the beginning. Imagine if we quit at any point along the last 2 ½ years. You are fighting every day to ‘grow up, go to college and be a chef’. You will make it. You lift your arm a little higher, you kick your leg a little further, you take as many ‘steps’ as you need to realize your dream.

I know you don’t remember what happened and you don’t even remember going to Bryn Mawr today, BUT you continue to make progress. Please lean on us when you get frustrated. Keep asking for help, we’re here for you!

C – “Thank you for not giving up on me. And I promise never to give up…it’s not in my vocabulary” xoxo

2yrs; Day 905 – from Corey

Hi Everyone,

We didn’t make it to Bryn Mawr today because of the spring snow fall. It was an extremely hard day. Corey still has a headache/migraine but more painful is her memory loss. She has been asking me, ‘when can we go to our real home’?

Today was a tough day but we managed to complete two workouts and tried using the walker to move about the kitchen. I emailed a few TBI friends including a wise woman who has traveled this road for 15 years. She gave me some survival facts and tips to cope with our current reality.

I am working on finding a TBI psychologist (not as easy as you would think) to work with Corey’s emotional recovery. It is as critical as the physical/cognitive recovery.

During her arguments today I opened a page in WORD and encouraged her to write about each feeling of frustration. It brought tears to my eyes to read what she expressed but I’m incredibly grateful she can type. She uses it to vent but her words do not help heal her pain as she instantly forgets what she wrote the second the sentence hits the page. When I read her words she asks, ‘Why did I write that’? She comes in and out of clarity so quickly I feel as if we are caught in a revolving door and each exit has been blocked off. We can’t catch our breath as we spin from one moment to the next.

Corey asked me who her writing is for. I told her it could be her journal to her self.
C – When was my accident?
M – 2 1/2 years ago
C – I don’t feel like I have a brain injury
M – I know honey
C – I’m a little surprised I haven’t given up before
We sat together quietly, I could tell she was thinking about something.
C – I need help…can we please write to everyone’.

Here is her moment of clarity;

Hi this is Corey. I want you to understand what is going on with me.

I can not wait for this all to be over. The fact that I have to do all of this work is not ok. It’s frustrating that I am not ok. I wish I was all better. I am not feeling good about the way that I am. I wish I was all better and I can not wait for that to come. I don’t remember and I don’t understand why I am not good. That makes me angry.

I wish that I was ok and I wish I was fine but I don’t know when that will happen.

Please please encourage me. That way when it gets hard I will not give up. It’s super hard to keep going when you don’t know how long it will take.

I made it through another day. It was really hard but I know it will get better. I just don’t know when!

Thank you. Please don’t give up on me. Please help me not give up on myself xoxo

2yrs; Day 933 – Share the crappy days too

Hi Everyone,

Last night I referenced jumping off the grid for a few days. For those of you who know how to read between the lines of this carepage you know what that meant ~ we’re coping with some very difficult days again. It’s not just anxiety and temper tantrums, it’s dealing with Corey’s memory vs. her current reality.

The full details of our days are not published for several reasons; primarily so I don’t diminish my source of inner strength and motivation. That being said, they do exist and exhaust my daily momentum as a caregiver. It’s a personal challenge to strengthen my spirit.

On the way to Bryn Mawr today, Corey began her ritual of combative questions, “why are we going” and “when can we stop going”. I responded honestly;
M – Corey, I can not continue to be helpful and positive if you are fighting me every day.
M – Please tell me what is behind these questions?
C – I do not understand what’s wrong with me
C – Why do I need to go there?
M – That’s the problem honey, you have a brain injury and part of your memory was erased (and the mantra of clinical facts is replayed). Within seconds the cycle repeats itself.

Case in point;
Corey had a great session with Kate and Natalie today. Kate used the Ipad to ‘go shopping’. Kate emptied her wallet utilizing real currency so Corey could shop and discuss the cost vs. saving etc. Corey could identify the bills today but could not name the coins. If we stated the coins name, she knew their value and could quickly calculate what was needed for the purchase. There was significant progress in today’s session vs. the last shopping session over a month ago; however, from the time we left Kate’s office to the time we entered the main hall, Corey had no idea where we were. She became very upset insisting we go home ~ her naptime was never more welcome.

After lunch we worked with Natalie. Corey had a strong walk on the Lokomat and finished her session with a timed test walking on land. She cut her land time in half; a sign she’s gaining strength and fluid motion. We were all thrilled as we said our goodbyes. Corey and I headed back to the Lobby to exchange the sample wheelchair for her chair. Still overjoyed from witnessing her progress I congratulated her, “I’m so proud of you honey, what a great job today”!
C – what did I do?
M – you had one of your strongest walks today!
C – when?
M – with Natalie, a few minutes ago.
C – who’s Natalie?

When we brought out her wheelchair she looked insulted and confused,
C – what’s that?
M – your wheelchair
C – why do I need that!

Yet in the next moment she can communicate a profound statement;
C – Mom, I’m sorry I ask the same question a 1,000 times. You don’t know how frustrating it is not to know where you are all day.

These emotional moments are more exhausting than any physical activity I do in a day.

A friend wrote me reminding me that “it’s okay to not only have a crappy day, but occasionally share those feelings”. We all have crappy days!

Another friend reminded me that today only lasts 24 hours. Tomorrow might be another difficult day but that will only last the same length of time. Nothing lasts forever…and don’t forget to look back on when the REALLY bad days seemed endless. Today’s bad day will be filed away just like the early days were.

I am grateful for friends, family and my other daughter! Caitlin gave me the night off. I met a girlfriend for dinner, we shared some laughs and then I found my way to my old parish. Tonight was the first night I sat in a church in a very long time. The choir was practicing. I closed my eyes to truly listen to their voices. I tried to silence my mind but one question kept repeating itself drowning out the hymns, escalating louder and louder.

~ What do you want me to do ~

My mind and my heart grew silent and I heard myself whisper, ‘Just sit with me’

2yrs; Day 901 – If I were Queen for a Day

Hi Everyone,

It was another busy day. I’m beginning to worry about Corey’s left leg and foot. Her muscles are beginning to stiffen (the medical definition is clonis spasms). Unfortunately, the muscles on the back of her left knee and thigh were so tight we had to cut her Lokomat session short. She fluctuates with her cooperation and we haven’t been getting full productive PT sessions at Bryn Mawr or from our school therapist. We must increase her stretching and hope to loosen the muscles…and pray it’s not the brain sending the wrong signals to the leg/foot!

Tonight we had the honor of visiting with Senator Pileggi. Believe it or not, it was one year ago this weekend we held the Rally to install the four way stop at Corey’s Corner. FYI; there hasn’t been one accident at that intersection since the stop signs were installed!

Senator Pileggi attended our rally that weekend. He has maintained his support throughout the past year as well. He was happy to see the progress Corey’s made in the last year. We talked for over an hour about her rehab and the services she receives.

The last meeting we had, the Senator asked me “if you were Queen for a Day what changes would you make”? At the time, I was overwhelmed with his question and couldn’t think of an appropriate response. Today after summarizing the last year’s battles and sharing the statistical facts I’ve researched about TBI, I revisited his question.

“You asked me what I would do if I was Queen for a day. I want to sit before the Senate and the House to share Corey’s story. We need to bring awareness to Traumatic Brain Injury. Every Senator and Congressman (across the country ~ not just Pennsylvania) needs to understand what TBI is and how critical it is to financially back the research, education, training and rehabilitation needed for survivors to recover from the nations leading cause of death and disability”.

“Corey is everyone’s daughter, sister, niece and/or partner. Most families are overwhelmed and cannot find their voice to promote awareness. I am convinced that Corey survived so she can speak for them. She survived the most severe injury and her progress, albeit a-typical, is one example of what could be possible for another survivor. Who’s to say it couldn’t? We must bring awareness and support to open the state waivers and get more funding for Medicaid coverage”.

I think the Senator was surprised at the change in my answer, research and knowledge of the topic. As I stated facts, Corey chimed in, “Yes, Mom! We need help”; “We can fight for Brain Injury”! The Senator commented on our passion and agreed. He told us he would help make some calls to introduce us to a few other Senators that he believes will assist us to hopefully arrange a hearing for TBI awareness.

Keep those prayers coming that the people we meet will “hear” our voice and help us to make the changes thousands of families need for their recovery path.

PS; If she can meet the Senators and Congressman in Harrisburg, imagine what she’ll do when we go to Washington! xoxo

2yrs; Day 899 – God’s Wink

Sorry to disappoint you; Corey wore herself out before she could write the carepage…you’re stuck with me again!

We reread the carepages and I read each response for each post she penned. She was all smiles. When I was thru she announced 48 people wrote to her (she was counting)

Can you believe her recent progress? The last few months have been quite a roller coaster but the last two weeks have been filled with surprises. Every day, sometimes every minute in a day, her emotions and behavior can register at opposite ends of her anxiety spectrum; then there are the moments of clarity. Those moments reveal amazing insight as to what recovering from brain injury is really like for her. Corey’s anger, her frustration, her motivation, her inner strength and most surprising, her spirituality is astounding. I’m so grateful she is discovering how to communicate her innermost thoughts including the negative thoughts.

We reflected on her progress as we created todays gratitude list. This nightly ritual is our version of prayer. Once the kids received all their sacraments, I believed it was their choice to practice their faith. Prior to the accident Corey informed me she was an agnostic. I didn’t respond one way or another except to say I hoped she would find a relationship with whatever version of God she wanted to relate to. I could only hope that at the very least, she would continue conversations with God.

A month after the accident, Corey’s friends emptied her locker and delivered her backpack to me. Checking the multiple pockets I stumbled upon her rosary hidden in the inside pocket. A small smile came to me as I replayed her words which contradicted her hidden treasure. As I reflect on my own belief prior to the accident, I thought I had a strong faith in God. The last two and a half years have certainly challenged that conviction.

Tonight I’d like to share a God wink with you.
I spontaneously stopped in to visit a colleague from work. He was not in, however, his wife happened to be in the office; we had never met. After our introduction we shared a cup of coffee. She has followed Corey’s progress from the beginning of our journey. We also share the mother/caregiver role. We discussed the accident, the early days and how an injury like this affects a persons faith. My new friend can empathize with my difficulty believing and/or trusting in God. I explained how I built a wall around my heart. I left prayer to everyone else because I refused to allow myself to feel vulnerable. Trust requires an open heart. My heart still hurts. I did confess that Corey’s ability to express her spirituality with me is helping me become aware of the signs and messages God has been trying to send me. I am beginning to remove my blinders and recognize His words/messages in casual conversations with others. Those messages are telling me He hasn’t left His post at the entrance of the fortress I’ve built.

My friend confessed she has written a number of notes to us but hasn’t found the confidence to press the “send” button. She wanted to write to share that two weeks ago, after reading about how Corey’s behavior has jeopardized her progress in PT, she began praying to Padre Pio specifically requesting to remove Corey’s anxiety.

I stopped her mid sentence, shocked and speechless; “Wait! When did you start praying for her anxiety”? She confirmed it was two weeks ago. Just the day before I was reading the progress notes submitted to insurance. I was concerned the notes from November through February did not show advancement toward the functional improvement goals necessary to award further coverage. I discussed my concern with Natalie. She agreed yet stated “the last two weeks have been much better. For whatever reason, her attitude has been better and her anxiety has been more manageable. If it continues, we’ll get back on track”. The team at Bryn Mawr jokingly credit Corey’s new glasses for the improvement ~ As I listened to my friend I heard His words and felt His wink. Our impromptu meeting was spiritually designed to affirm my friends intention and reveal another brick that could be removed from the fortress wall. As Corey says, “it’s a sign”, xoxo

2yrs; Day 898 – from Corey

Hi everyone,

Hi Everyone, (Corey posted last night as well but the website didn’t send notifications. Hopefully tonight works…if you missed last night turn back a page)

this is corey
today was a hard day but I got out of it because I know tomorrow will be better
bad days are no fun
but tomorrow we get to start over

i get scared because I don’t remember things
having my brother and sister makes me feel safe and I trust them

i feel bad for people that are alone
i am not alone
i have lots of people in my life
all those people help me stay strong

if I can help someone who is alone and scared I would tell them that its not forever and they will get better eventually
if they are having a bad day I would tell them to try to make it to bedtime
a good day always follows a bad day

happy dreams xoxo

2yrs; Day 897 – from Corey

Hi everyone

This is corey im typing myself.
Today was a really big day
Why you might ask?
I walked around the island with a walker but my mom didn’t hold onto me
She was shocked
People said that I would not be able to do any thing and I am proving them all wrong every day
Do not give up or give in even when it gets hard
I know its really hard but when it gets hard just keep going
I want to walk all alone with no hel,p

Thank you to everyone for sticking by me
I will keep going for all of you and for myself
I hope that all of you can obtain your goal too
I believe in you all
do not give up

I think that I am getting better because of prayers and hard work
Thank you all for not giving up on me

Loveee coreyyy xoxoxoxo

Side note from Marie;
One year ago this weekend, Corey wiggled her left big toe!
Imagine what she will be doing next year…the Irish jig perhaps??

2yrs; Day 894 – awareness on Capital Hill

Hi Everyone,

Corey and I had a great day yesterday! We determined her headache, rise in heart rate, blood pressure and stomach cramping was due to the new medicine that was prescribed by her Urologist. We discontinued the drug and her symptoms subsided. In addition to thanking all of you for your prayers, we also had the help of 2 nurses, 1 Awesome Big Sister, 1 Best Friend and 1 Amazing neighbor + her son help make our day a success.

Sherice and Jamie tag teamed to overlap the morning shift so I could leave by 6am. Caitlin took the day off from work to be Jamie’s ‘distraction’ assistant. At 4pm Caitlin was in charge but had her assistant Selina. Selina, Corey’s girlfriend, is home for spring break from college. Our neighbor Suzanne and her son Connor joined the team bringing dinner for the girls; they stayed until Sherice returned to cover the night shift.

Corey repeatedly asked for me but only “lost it” twice throughout the day. I called when I had breaks between meetings but the biggest surprise of my day was receiving an email from Corey! We established a new email for her to help her practice her communication/journaling skills. Jamie set the laptop on the kitchen table attaching the large key keyboard our High School team loaned us. Corey now types her own letters (Jamie was her space bar reminder). The first note arrived when I was at a briefing. My phone blinked and to my surprise “A Awesome Kid” sent me a note. Prior to the accident, Corey chose that name so she would always be first in my contact directory.

hi mom.
i hope you are coming home soon. i miss you. i hope you are having a good day. but that you are coming home soon. i miss you. come home now. love you marie. sinserely corey

She wrote 15 letters, each sounding a little more urgent than the one before but each one brought me a bigger smile ~ Corey is back online! Corey has asked not to publish her email address but if you write her on the carepage, she will eventually write you back.

In between emails and phone calls, I joined a Board member from the Brain Injury Association of Pennsylvania to meet with several Congressman and Senators. BIA’s agenda was to request budgetary support for the Traumatic Brain Injury population. The financial support needed includes increased funding to preserve and expand TBI rehabilitation research, continued protection and reform for access to Brian Injury care; specifically to protect the expansion of Medicaid, subsidies to individuals and Medicaid/Medicare rehabilitation services from reduction that will impede access to care and to waive the two year waiting period for Medicare benefits for people with TBI who have limited insurance and high out-of-pocket expenditures. In addition, they are requesting support to sustain and bolster the funding for research agencies approved by the TBI ACT. This includes CDC, HRSA State Grant Programs and HRSA Protection and Advocacy Program.

Our final request of the Congressman; we understand they are asked to join, support and become active for multiple causes/committee’s but would they please consider joining the Congressional Brain Injury Task Force to assist in advancing the awareness of brain injury, support funding for basic and applied research, brain injury rehabilitation and the development of a cure. The Task Force can help make life better for individuals with brain injury and their families.

My role in these meetings was to put “Meat back on the Bone”. Its one thing to be handed a flyer with the facts and details of what program assists with which benefit and quite another when an average American can speak to how those programs assist and/or limits our quality of life on a day to day basis.

Corey’s Story is special. She was not at risk for Brain Injury. She represents everyone’s daughter, little sister, niece and/or partner. Accidents happen; even a mile from your home. A traumatic brain injury can hit anyone of us at any moment.

What happens after the car is towed away, after the patient is airlifted, after they are discharged? Her story is important to share because it chronicles what a family must do to fight for the basic services required to give their loved one the opportunity to recover. Her story speaks to what EVERYDAY is like. A TBI is not a bone that will heal in 6 weeks. It is a lifetime recovery one day at a time which can not be experienced without the support of our legislators.

Congressman Scott Perry was deeply moved. Congressman Bill Pascrell and Congressman Joe Pitts asked to meet Corey personally and today we received an email that Mr. Pitts joined the Task Force.

Many of you have asked how you can help. Next week we will publish a letter that you can either copy verbatim or adapt and personalize. We will attach a link for you to find your Federal/State Representatives and Senators. They will typically only read and respond to letters received from their constituents.

During the afternoon briefing, an audience member stood to ask, “Traumatic Brain Injury is the leading cause of death and disability in this country. Why is it still the silent epidemic”?

The answer;
1.Unlike breast cancer, it hasn’t been marketed or advertised. Everyone knows what the Pink ribbon stands for; no one knows what the green ribbon is.
2.Most families are devastated, isolated and overwhelmed with the day to day. It’s difficult to ‘get out’ for a walk or fundraiser. Many don’t have the strength to fight or use their voices to promote the issues.

We can be their advocates. Our letters can be their voice, their strength, their opportunity to bring awareness. We hope you will join us as we embark on this grass roots approach.

2yrs; Day 885 – Robot assists in therapy

Hi Everyone,

Today was a stellar day!

It started out with the usual arguments and anxiety but when we met Kate in her room Corey opened up explaining her internal fears. Despite our prep conversation/video on the ride up, she didn’t remember the building and didn’t recognize or connect Kate with her therapy video.

We gave her permission to be afraid and acknowledged her anxiety. She stopped kicking, screaming and hitting, turned to Kate as Kate spoke and not only engaged in conversation, she participated in the entire session without my interaction!

The same scenario was repeated later in the day with Elaine. For the first time in over a month, Elaine physically sat next to Corey instead of across a table. She allowed Elaine to stretch her arm and used the wooden box to exercise her shoulder. She initiated conversation with Elaine and looked at me as a secondary source to answer questions. When we asked Corey how we could help her feel more comfortable with Elaine, she told us she likes to keep her back to the door so she doesn’t see people coming at her BUT she wants me to tell her when someone is entering the room and which side they will pass her on. She also asked me to reintroduce her to who ever comes in. This direction in and of itself is amazing.

I can’t explain why she was polite, cooperative or chose to participate in either session; especially since yesterday was one of the most difficult and emotionally draining we’ve had to endure to date. Whatever the reason, we’ll take it! There’s no guarantee that today’s behavior will be repeated tomorrow but frankly it doesn’t matter. Today is the first day in many months that I actually felt serenity, joy and excitement to once again see her progress.

For those of you who missed the link to Corey’s treadmill video on YouTube, Bryn Mawr has posted it on their website along with a patient highlight article about her. Each are found on their home page, enjoy! Xoxo

http://www.mainlinehealth.org/rehab

Video is called Robot Assists in Therapy at Bryn Mawr Rehab
Article is Patient Spotlight on Corey Beattie

2yrs; 5 months – Brain Injury Awareness Month

Hi Everyone,

Welcome to March ~ Brain Injury Awareness Month. The color for Brain Injury is green.

Green symbolizes growth and hope. It has great healing power. It is the most restful color for the human eye. Green suggests stability and endurance.

Imagine you want to grow a plant. Do you believe it makes a difference what kind of soil you plant the seeds in? How you will feed and water your seeds? How much sunshine and attention they will get?

Now imagine two different plants; one that is small, dull and struggling to survive. And one that is large, bright and thriving. What’s the difference?

Environment and care…

Recovery from a brain injury is no different. The level of rehabilitation is as critical as the clinical care a patient receives beyond the initial diagnosis. Equal access to long term rehabilitation and care improves the quality of life for each survivor impacted by brain injury.

Corey you are the seedling. The soil is your family, friends and our community. We are here to support you, nurture you and provide what we can to help you grow as you recover from your injury. Your therapists and teachers are your food, water and sunshine. Without them you would struggle to survive.

We can provide you with everything you need but true growth comes from within. You woke up in a dark place. The healing process requires great strength to break out of your shell; trusting that your roots will be secure and nourished in order to stretch beyond what you thought you were capable of to recover, grow and thrive.

Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity ~ Hippocrates

We have been very fortunate to win the battles necessary to achieve our level of recovery. It is with gratitude that we commit to educate our legislators bringing awareness of the resources needed for millions of survivors unable to fight yet hope for their opportunity.
xoxo