People ask me where my writing comes from. Typically, in my minds eye, I replay the day’s activities as if I’m rewinding a home video. As you know there are some very good days and very difficult days. On the difficult days it’s hard to watch the rerun without being distracted by emotions or the fast forward button. To control the speed of the film I search my favorite websites for inspiration. They often give direction and produce the words that we need to hear to make it through another episode. Some days the websites seem to be in a foreign language without subtitles and I cannot relate to them. That’s when I silence my mind, replay the day again, without commentary, and wait for the words to come. Most times they are sent to me in one form or another.
I do not reread our past journal entries. I write from the heart, for myself and for Corey. The composition is therapeutic, releasing the day and instantly erased from my mind. At the close of the following day I read the post and notes sent to Corey. This may seem unusual but for me reading the page aloud feels as if a third party wrote to the both of us and I’m hearing their words for the first time. I can’t tell you how many times the passage and comments help me continue to focus on the present and staying positive.
Last night I have no idea where the words came from but tonight I’m glad they were published. It was a particularly bad day. Once again I am positioning us for our next battle. I am outraged, exhausted, fearful and anxious. We are facing a new fight and new challenges. I can’t even bring myself to summarize the chain of events that are still whirling in my head as I sit here tonight. I will spend the night strategically planning our next response, careful to execute it without an emotional reaction. Once I have us in position I can share the details. Until then I need you all to pray for my strength. I need a clear head, calm heart and guidance for direction. I have been thrown into a virtual hallway with multiple doors. Each has a padlock. There are no keys for the manual locks, no code for the electronic locks and I feel as if they are bolted from the inside as well as the outside. Uncertainty leads to feelings of helplessness and fear; both are excruciating. I need strength, patience and renewed energy.
So here I sit before the empty page looking for the close of this note mindful that we need positive energy to rest well tonight. Inspiration arrived via email. My girlfriend forwarded me today’s message. Don’t ever discount Chinese fortune cookies!
~ Struggle as hard as you can for whatever you believe in ~
The rerun of today’s video is the reason that fortune inspires me to keep going when I feel as if I don’t have a breath left. I want to invite you to join me as we replay it together. Corey was sitting in the kitchen casually chatting with Caitlin and me. It’s not unusual for her to move her legs or arm throughout the day as if she’s conducting her own private therapy session. She is determined to regain function and “works out” all day; therapist or no therapist! Caitlin and I were amazed at Corey’s newest exercise. Prepare for another first! The attached link will show you why I will continue to try to open every door that closes on us. When that doesn’t work, I will go outside and start working on the windows! xoxo
Corey Beattie moves her left hand